What a liar [08 Sep 2004|11:26pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Muse - Apocalypse Please ] Let me start of by saying that Muse was a very excellently excellent concert and I am 100% glad I cut classes (with a note from Dad) to get in line and go front row. Letitia and I had an argument. She was trying to tell me that she wasn't ignoring me.. after a while now maybe she wasn't... maybe I fucked things up and I better talk to her and apologise for being an asshole. But why? Nah.. it ain't her fault so I shouldn't crucify.. wait a fucken second! yeah it was, SHE WAS FUCKEN IGNORING ME. FUCK IT. So Muse kicked ass. I haven't done my maths and Michael is checking them tomorrow so I up shit creek and out of boredom I pretended to be drunk to Tom cause I think almost everyone at USC is a low-life pig. I am really beginning to hate it. I was looking at the SMC subject selection list and their list is far more superior to USC's. Why did I move? What a dumb decision. I am going back to SMC. I'll be back next year. 5 comments|post comment

Who the hell is Letitia? [05 Sep 2004|03:23pm] [ mood | grumpy ] [ music | End of Evangelion - Komm, susser Tod ] Letitia is a dead subject, I don't want to talk about her anymore, I don't like her. I don't wanna even know her. Who is she to me? Why do I let myself get dragged through this shit!? Why why why why why why. Evangelion, I'll watch you all over again. Friday night was good, I had a blast with the boys. Saturday night was a BORE. Letitia ignored me for pretty much the whole god damn night. She didn't freaking talk to me at all pretty much until I was LEAVING. Gee, isn't that REAL nice? ASSHOLE. Was good seeing the SMC boys, Drugzy and I got back in time to get a pizza and catch the same train as the other fools. Next time we go we'll have to like.. stick around a lot longer and stuff. I got home from the shitty craptastic Noarlunga party and my Auntie Ellie had been taken to hospital, she may have a blood clot in her brain. What a freaking great weekend, hey? 2 comments|post comment

12:51, the best time in the world [02 Sep 2004|12:54pm] I just missed the best time in the world again. Oops. I am at school, I feel like making a journal entry for once. many people sitting around me. Letitia is next to me. I just ate food. Food is good. Umm, seeing the boys tomorrow, should be aweeesome! Gonna go up to belair and drink with'em, MYESSS...! Get some sticker photos with the boys, bring the camera, it's journey time! I better get happy! Wish I could go to Bryony's though. :) Ciao. 4 comments|post comment

How to feel when feelings don't want to exist [01 Sep 2004|10:54pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Jimi Hendrix - Dolly Dagger ] No classes today. Good. I didn't wanna see any faces from school today anyway. Everyone is like "oh Phill, what's wrong? anything the matter?" well, god damn it, I don't bloody know. I am angry at Adam, Letitia is giving me cold shoulder but that may be because she is afraid of talking to me since I am a bit angry at her. Everyone is avoiding me cause I am like a freaking ticking time bomb this week. It's just cause nobody seems to want me around I guess. I don't feel like interacting with anyone if they don't want me around. With Letitia feeling bad about her ex I feel bad that I am angry at her but at the same time I am angry at her for being stupid enough to try and make things work with her ex again, not even, she doesn't even want a freaking relationship, all she appears to want to do is FUCK, KISS, and all that physical shit. Fucken.. What the hell is the matter with me this week. I told Sophie I am handing in my papers to SMC on Friday, cause to tell you the truth, I wanna go back... and at the same time I don't. I like the people at USC, don't get me wrong.. but I don't get anything out of being at USC... it's crap. I don't feel like I used to with the nice warm sun blazing down on me sitting out in the oval. The random shit man, I miss it so much! I enjoyed sitting around with the boys and giving shit to Pirkens for being short, getting Blevins to do stupid things. All that, I really miss. But I will miss people at USC too.. Dad says I should talk to my mentor about it... I am pretty confused, I am actually in a really confused state right now.. because it is getting closer to decide on where to go.. I want Letitia to love me, that's all I really want right now.. I want her words to support me. post comment

Helluva long time. [30 Aug 2004|11:04pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Foo Fighters - February Stars ] I am writing a book, I've called it to wish impossible things. I feel that the story is all about me really, using different names. Stream of Consciousness is the writing style I am using. I really like that writing style. I think I will make it the tale of a guy on his death bed to the girl he loves... and in the end I will make it say "I lied about the names, Seth was really me.. Phill, and Naoki was really you.. Letitia.. I love you." and the last word of the book must be itsumo. like that. Heh, I don't really know what the plot is.. I think I will follow my life and translate it to the book. This politics work isn't so hard, it's actually rather easy. I've done the amount of words I need to do. I'm not finding Politics hard, but I ain't finding it easy. I told Letitia I was feeling happy today, what a lie because as usual I am feeling like my world is crashing down. The Furious Eurasian one (Justin) tells me to watch out because I could get screwed right around by Letitia if she is willing to hook up with me and tell me she isn't sure what she wants to do... I keep getting that warm feeling of Christmas I got near the end of last year at Saint Michaels.. why did those days seem so good.. I dunno, there was always something for me to look forward to then, life seems so mechanical at USC. I don't get it. I have till middle of next term to decide whether or not I shall return to Saint Michaels. I just asked Drugzy to get me the enrollment forms.I have decided that if Letitia moves back I shall move back to Saint Michaels, or if we are not really close friends then I will move back... I will ask her when the times comes really... Letitia is right now what bonds me to USC. Let's face it, I am not close to anyone at USC as much as I am at SMC. I better start cherishing what little of USC I will cherish.. because I may be going back next year. I don't have much else to write in here. I am thinking maybe it is time I let these feelings for Letitia go a little... nah, don't give up Phill! That ain't your style on these kinda matters! 2 comments|post comment

The plans... as of ... now. [30 Aug 2004|09:35pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | The Beatles - Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise) ] Planning entry... Monday Night - POLITICS ASSIGNMENT Tuesday Night - L'S TEST STUDY Wednesday Night - MATHS TEST STUDY Thursday Night - ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT Friday Night - JOURNEY!!! Saturday Night - BRYONY'S PARTY!!! Sunday Night - THIRSTY MERC!!! (IT TEST, but that's a joke) Monday Night - CHILL Tuesday Night - MUSE!!! Back to assignment, seeing as it is Monday night. post comment

Road Signs and Rock Songs is a shit song. Congratulations "The Ataris" that song sucked ass. [30 Aug 2004|01:02am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | The Ataris - Giving Up On Love ] Maybe I should do a rounds on the people I know? ok, just before I sleep... So who can I do it on? hmmm... here is the list for tonight Adam Marley Letitia Rose Sam Castle Sophie Calderbank Heath Dalziel "Sparklz" Adam - This guy is an odd bastard. He can either really get on my nerves or not. The way I see him is that he wants everything his way or the highway. It's pretty annoying, cause the way I want the band to be simple and stuff he is turning it in to an old band, which it really isn't.. Like you cant have an old band with nothing new in the a modern time, it isn't offering anything yeah? I had a tiff with the guy on Friday cause he kept annoying me, I just wanted to do work for once and he wouldn't shut up then he took my little blackbook yeah, and wouldn't give it back, so I just told him to stop being bi cause he told me to stop being angry. What an ass. Then he is like "don't ever do that again" I should be saying that to him, he deserves to shove it up his ass since he thinks its all about him. I'll get over it in a few days. Apart from that he is actually a nice guy. Letitia - Here we go Phill, this'll be a long one. Letitia.. ode to Letitia. LOL. I like Letitia, I care a lot about her, both emotionally and physically I care about her. I think she is beautiful and I care about her mental well being because I know that she is going through hell in her mind and I wanna help her, it appears though she don't need any help.. so she says, I don't think I could have saved my ass out of depression if it wasn't for my friends. Thank you. I get by with a little help from my friends. Regardless, Letitia is the most beautiful girl I've seen in .. forever. I probably said Rachel was a long time ago.. but she actually has a lot of errors with her. Letitia could really help me too.. straighten me up, fix my bad habits like smoking and swearing. I wanna be the perfect guy for her and her only. I wonder if that will ever happen. I really hope it does. I want her to be the center.. my completeness.. Sam - This guy, champion. My backbone. Although now I have been drifting away from backbone to Sam, I don't know who I talk to now, I don't really talk to anyone about how I feel and I guess that's why its recently been bottling up again. No good I say, no good. Sam has a girlfriend now, I am very proud of him, he deserves one really. Sam and I have been buddies since like.. ages, I dunno how long but he is one of my bets mates, in fact I think he is my best mate considering I don't really talk to anyone else like how I talk to Sam. Kudos to Sam. Sophie - I like Sophie, not in the same manner as I like Letitia, but I do care about her. Sophie is also, like Letitia, South Korean and adopted. Sophie gets so drunk so easily, its cute in its own right, I think funny too. I've hooked up with Sophie before, was drunk, I tell myself not to anymore because I don't want to hurt her. I like Sophie mostly as a friend. Someone I will take care of.. like a little sister or something. She also a nut on the guitar so she is in the band I've generated. Heath - Amazingly this guy can be a real dick to girls in general. He has lost a lot of respect for caring about girls now, I just don't think he likes having to deal with the fact that they are so confusing. He doesn't like the way Letitia constantly contradicts herself.. like how she states "Drinking isn't an excuse" and yet she hooks up with guys and gives'em all kinds of "stuff" and she is like "I was drunk!" (you gotta hear it in the way she says it, it's so cute! love that girl so much, ahh! hehe) Frankly, he is surprised at how I can like Letitia considering I know she has given a bit to guys that I know, I even know about shit that I wasn't around for, which is pretty off putting. Personally, I don't know how I got over it.. maybe it's my emotional care for her.. I can see that she does it to feel love.. she hasn't got the grasp of what love is yet though. Poor thing, I hope one day I can show her real happiness, if not may someone else do. Sparklz - Go the German, I actually don't know Mr Sparkuru very well, but I trust him enough to know this guy is a top bloke. I don't really know how I look at this character, he is a friendly one, but the way he acts... seems to show as if he is dominate. I dunno how I act anymore, I have so many faces so I cant tell you how I am. I should put the formal pics up here actually. Maybe tomorrow. I had Sparklz over this weekend too, we gave him shit for stepping on shit, gave Jasper shit for being Batman, and Sam was a drunk noob. We rang Laura and I pretended to be "Emma" who was looking for "Anthony" ... Something like that. Well, Sparklz = champ. Fear the German. I think I am done, it's 1AM, I wanna go to China town tomorrow. Do some stuff. Buy some pocky, hello panda! and the usual. I also need to finish my Bio notes tomorrow. God, I got a lot of work to do. Goodnight world. post comment

Senseless Feeling [29 Aug 2004|02:28pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | The Beatles - A Day In The Life ] Sad times, dunno why, I feel bad. I always feel bad now. This song makes me sad. Adam is really getting on my nerves recently. He insists on pressing my buttons when they already jammed further than they should be pushed. Seriously? What kind of person does that? and they can clearly tell they are doing it too. He took my little blackbook and started reading through it, It's not that there is anything too insightful in there, its just that its invading my privacy. Seriously, when I say give me back my book it doesn't mean you need to go in to jackass mode and not give it back, that really irritates me. Heh, I had Jasper, Sparklz, Sam and Soph over last night, we watched Pumpkinhead and Evil Dead 2. I swear, Evil Dead 2 was AWESOME. I am gonna have a horror movie night in the holidays sometime. I get by with a little help from my friends. What I need now is more than a friend. This constant desire to love them emotionally.. It hurts to love and not be loved back.. it is odd. Frankly, I see me leaving myself in this condition because I just want to take care of her so much... You cant help yourself when you are sad and empty.. that's what I learnt, I wont say that to her though because it'll just sound like I am pushing her to go out with me.. I want her to make that decision for herself. Whatever makes her happy makes me happy too. It certainly is different being in love and yet feeling so empty, that kiss on Friday... it made me feel complete.. like.. hmm, how can I explain it. I think Jet Li explained it well in The One... How to everything there is a center, but we cannot make our own center because it must be filled.. I believe you can fill that center with anything, but the best way to fill it is with love as opposed to something material like power, money, etc, etc. All My Loving... This song is good, I changed the song, hehe. This song makes me feel good. My mood varies I see depending on the topics I bring up in here. I have been listening to The Beatles a fair bit. I like it a lot you know, I used to listen to them a lot as a young boy, I loved them. I was so sad when John died. In effect I still am, he was a great song writer. I was preparing Biology notes for my test tomorrow before I started writing this but I feel a bit better now that I wrote some stuff down. Letitia told me to call her last night, as in, Friday night she told me I had to ring her last night. I rang but she didn't pick up, go figure, I've expected that almost all the time now, I guess I am getting used to her never picking up, I sent her 3 messages. One about me watching Pumpkinhead, another saying she didn't pick up and she should call me, and the third was thanking her for picking up my calls. I'm not fond of being told to call someone and they are on the phone when I do or they just don't pick up. I find it a bit rude. Lonely me... I wonder if I have sworn yet in this entry, I deleted one word already, pretty much after I was half way through typing it. To love this girl, one day I hope she loves me back in the manner I love her. I'd love to be with her. 1 comment|post comment

And then we kissed... [28 Aug 2004|12:56am] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | John Lennon - Jealous Guy ] So... *giggles like a schoolgirl* I hooked up with Letitia today, and I must say it was the most inner calming experience I've ever had.... A couple may ask what happened.. Well to be completely honest I don't know how the build up occurred let alone what triggered in my head for me to kiss her, but I am glad my subconscious just told me to kiss her instead of telling me to think about it.. I just closed the elevator door and turned around, wrapped my arms around her neck and we kissed.. It was a moment that made me feel complete. If only for a while that feeling meant a lot to me. That's just a physical thing, physical affection wont always feel that fantastic, I like emotional affection better, just knowing they love you the way you love them. I find that more rewarding. Letitia and I talked on MSN a bit about the self.. about who we are and how we don't know what we are meant to be like.. go fish. Who are we to tell who we are? We are just us and what does it matter who we are as long as we are ourselves? I can understand though that Letitia has it a lot tougher and I would like to help her anyway I could, but I don't know how to. I noticed my old journal was still alive. That's a bit weird... I hope Letitia finds herself and I hope I find myself too, she is right about finding ourselves, I guess that's more of a priority for her.. me? I am less worried about who I am, when I am older people will know who I am due to my music, I wont need to act so childish for attention I can address the matters that most touch me through my music. I want to see Thirsty Merc next week, I doubt Dad will let me though because it's at the Enigma bar. Muse come that Tuesday too.. I got the Jet tickets too, I'm excited, they should be good live. I noticed how similar the bass guitar from Jet sounds to The Beatles earlier works. Too tired to continue writing. Goodnight. I feel better about me today, I s2 Letitia. Ps. For those of you who do not understand crazy asian language (shame on you) s2 means "love" - that's just a bit weird, huh? 2 comments|post comment

Chill Phill [26 Aug 2004|08:10pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | The Darkness - Growing On Me ] 1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says. - directly affect you, and you probably want to be involved in decisions that are 2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? - hi-hat 3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? - the one 4. Without looking, guess what time it is. - 8:06 5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? - 8:04 (pretty damn close) 6. With the exception of the computer, what else can you hear? - wind blowing plants 7. When did you last step outside? - about 6pm? 8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at? - some J Rock website 9. What are you wearing? - Strokes shirt, tightish black pants and white cons 10. Did you dream last night? - yeah, about Letitia again, go figure 11. When did you last laugh? - When I read Kris' response to this... "just now ...memories!" ahh... memories! 12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? - strokes poster, christina aguilera poster (she naked), posters in general, a mirror and wallscrolls 15. What is the last film you saw? - the one 16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? - invest enough so that I could get over 4000$ in interest every month!! then I'd buy all kinds of musical equipment 18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? - Make things cheaper 19. Do you like to dance? - Occassionally 21.a. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? - Reiko 21.b. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? - Seth 22. Would you ever consider living abroad? - Yeah why not, as long as if I have a woman that loves me that she comes along too! 1 comment|post comment

- SCREWED - [26 Aug 2004|07:57pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | The Cure - To Wish Impossible Things ] I am meant to be doing my politics assignment, which funnily enough is due tomorrow, but this feeling of supreme emptiness is quite strong. I dunno how to begin it, I dunno how to explain how this feeling is.. But I am constantly, getting feelings as if things were not of the time they are.. like.. when I sit in the sun like I did at the beach yesterday.. that felt like.. hmm.. how'd that feel.. oh yeah, like I was at the beach with the boys, it felt like Saint Michaels all over again. I really miss Saint Michaels actually, I really do, I miss the boys and those stupid days of random stuff we did... like St Michaels day and stuff like that. Sports day though, I didn't like that. But I miss a lot of things now, I cant believe I let them pass me by. I think, I will stay at USC as long as Letitia stays... if she leaves by the end of the year I will too. There isn't much else at USC really.. I don't do anything during my breaks, I don't know why I am there. My maths teacher currently is dragging me through mental hell by constantly pointing out my inability to do fucking maths. I just feel so stupid when I step in to maths class, I feel like the biggest dumb fucker ever. Everyone says how easy maths apps is by I find it so bloody tricky. I wanna stop swearing, Letitia continuously points out when I swear, and I swear a damn lot.. so I am gonna seriously try and fix that bad habit. To wish impossible things.. I feel so completely worthless, I wanna feel good about myself again.. where the hell did that go? Where did the happy me go? So many useless masks I wear, I just wanna be me.. but who am I? Is she using me? I don't want a physical relationship, I want something real, not this physical attraction shit! I hate how I look, I wanna feel good about myself emotionally, that's the important part. I want Letitia to feel like that too, I wanna make her notice she has mixed up physical intimacy with emotional intimacy... I just wanna help her and she is dragging me into the quicksand of my emotions. This sucks. post comment

Restricted access [25 Aug 2004|05:20pm] [ mood | silly ] [ music | Muse - Time Is Running Out ] I had a dream and Letitia was in it, yeah, I had a dream. Anyways, from what I can remember we were sitting down somewhere and she wanted to kiss but she told me to drink my coke first, then we started hooking up.. eventually Marshall showed up but with a deep deep voice and that was odd. I cant remember sweet fuck all about it. I wish she loved me like this. She is coming with me to see Jet, MYES! 10 points for me! woot. post comment

Californication? [24 Aug 2004|11:54pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Zephyr Song ] Jacobsen was dealing me so much shit cause we had to do a group assignment, and I just suck ass at math end of story nobody understands how hard I find the bloody subject. Anyways, I scored shit ass marks and Tam got really good ones and he was hammering me about how I was letting down the group and how I wasn't putting in any effort and I it showed through my work and I fucken tried hard. Just made me feel like complete shit cause I did what I could, fucked up and all of a sudden I may as well not fucken bother. Dismal mood. I think Letitia thought it was her cause she got pretty quite so I had to cheer up ,after all, I was around her.. I don't want her feeling bad cause I do. I so cant ever catch her. Beautiful.. and me? I'm ugly. Beach tomorrow with Adam, we are going to Glenelg beach, should be good. Anyway, gonna sleep. I don't wanna explain how I feel. It's a bit weird. Goodnight. post comment

The world is very weird! [22 Aug 2004|11:02pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | B-52's - Love Shack ] So its done, I asked Letitia out. You know what she said? WELL GUESS WHAT!! it's coming... wait for it... She said no. Ya get that, but for some reason... I am happy because she is too.. we are both happy because we know the way we feel about each other and that is the important part.. She isn't prepared to go in to a relationship until she can be happy alone.. I respect that. I dunno, but I am happy. post comment

What the fuck [22 Aug 2004|07:06pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | The Darkness - Love Is Only A Feeling ] FUCK OFF. I got cunted majorly, with a capital "CUNT" Letitia hooked up with Lili's little bro at Airlie's after party. She also said that she JUST will only ever be friends with me to Chanel. So I am like.. hell fucked. That is so bullshit. MY MOOD = NOT PLEASED. Whenever I go after a girl... they never want me. What's the bloody matter there!? I won't act all ass like to Letitia though... I dunno.. I'll probably be less likely to say anything to her, I'll ask her about Airlie's and say a few things, but I wont let it get to me, yeah... I'll hint at the fact that I know. I hate this. post comment

Not fair. [22 Aug 2004|04:06pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar Tissue ] I don't know what will happen with me and Letitia, she knows now that I really like her. I really do, I wanted to kiss her at the formal.. I tilted my head but she didn't in return so I thought she didn't want to.. I was dancing with her, our heads pressed against each other.. I felt really good and I felt ...true. I felt... yeah, I felt true. I felt as real as I have ever felt. That's what I like .. that feeling I get from having her with me.. I can do that with lots of other people but with her it was a different feeling.. calm... I wanted to kiss her so much. I don't feel like really going in depth about it... but yeah, it was great I tell you. I am gonna learn to play scar tissue right now. so I will fill this in later. I know that Letitia doesn't know how she feels about me right now. So that basically means she isn't interested. I can accept that... I think. I wont say no until I hear those words. 3 comments|post comment

Too tired [18 Aug 2004|10:57pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | X Japan - Forever Love (Acoustic Version) ] A smoke, tender slim smoke. Stupid. I wrote a song, the lyrics anyways, and I have the drum line in my head. I called it "Today" I wont reveal the lyrics.. they may get me famous one day :P Brought my guitar to school today, I got in trouble for playing it in the common room so Igor told me to go see Jane when I got the time, instead I went home. I didn't do anything wrong and I was about to go home, Old Plisko can just eat shit. Downloading the Last Live CD1.. Formal on Friday... Haircut tomorrow.. Feeling empty.. Dunno why. I guess life can just be weird. Bryony is leaving USC... Don't know why, but I'd like her to stay, I feel more comfortable with her and Letitia. I wonder if Letitia will go back too then... That'll make me sad. If they both left... maybe I would go back to SMC.. Tired now, going to bed. I don't really know what I can type here. I wanna do a slow dance with Letitia at the formal, I'd take the opportunity to kiss her.. whisper quietly in to her ear "I wanna kiss you.." and if she looked at me I'd look her in the eyes and say "Mahal kita" I KNOW she'd ask what I mean so I'd get to do the I love you thing again.. Yeah... dreams of a 17 year old boy.. funny that.. shouldn't I be wanting to just fuck? I find it weird how I am out for something deeper than that.. 1 comment|post comment

Shoot me please, Dear, my death. [15 Aug 2004|10:56pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Pete Murray - Feeler ] If I could do everything the right way, I wouldn't be perfect. Thanks for returning the Drum kit Kris! I'll keep those tunes burning on! But right now here is what I feel... LOST - Yeah, congratulations, I dunno. Letitia... I just wanna make her smile real, I wanna make her smile by just smiling at her, I want her to love me and I want to love her, but I don't think that will happen. I wanna be someone she can rely on when she feels lost. SAD - Recently I have been feeling down, ever rode a Exercise bike 35.08km for no reason whatsoever? Did it tonight, I've actually been riding the exercise bike every second night but I'll move that to every night now. Get myself fit... or something. I wanna be taller, LOL. Quit smoking, joy. Thank you Letitia for having me wrapped around your little finger so much I quit smoking... and cut my hair. YES! Gonna cut my hair. Shh! Won't be too bad. Oh, why won't she love me? Why is the ceiling so vast to look at? 5 comments|post comment

*bang bang* guess who just got shot DOWWNNNNNNN [08 Aug 2004|10:42pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Hilltop Hoods - Down For The Cause (feat Hyjak & DJ Bonez) ] Last night, she said... lol, nah. So yeah, Letitia.. I don't think she is even mildly interested in me... I will always be a friend I guess.. it was discovered last night, I tried ringing her heaps, no answers and when it was a there were two annoying assholes pretending to be the "city morgue" That's really fucking funny. Fuck it. I don't know, but I don't feel as psyched up or as motivated as usual. I don't know what to do with myself. Adam had a cry tonight about "Someday" by The Strokes sounding like "Higher and Higher" by someone, I was like "WTF!?" Sure you can sing the song to it but it doesn't really SOUND anything like it. Fucken "Bitch" by The Rolling Stones sounds like Steppenwolf's "Born to be Wild" if that's gonna be the fucken case. He also thinks that if it sounds the same by accident the band has no skill. What the fuck!? What a fucking moron shit. I gonna tell him his music sounds like The Rolling Stones and he has no skills, cause that statement was fucking stupid. I'm a bit down these days, I dunno why, I feel crap. I don't really feel right anymore, I feel crap... I quit smoking for Letitia. Fucken hell. Go the week without a smoke :) Sometimes I wonder, about myself. Why am I like who I am in the eye of a person but someone completely different when I am by myself? Childish in front of people, In front of people I like (Letitia) I am constantly worrying about whether they like me or not... I dunno, who the hell am I? and why can't I just relax instead of making nervous jokes with ignorant fake shining confidence? I don't like being this hypo person I am not... I have things I think about too.. Nobody seems to realise that.. nobody thinks that I have a few issues here and there.. I'm not fine, I am disturbed, I am having fucking problems with myself. I don't get it, I am sad... but why? post comment

What will I do [05 Aug 2004|08:37pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Beatles - Let It Be ] I am hurrying myself, I am pushing too hard I am nervous and anxious. I like her, I think I might be in love with her.. or obsessed... it's so hard to tell. I sent her a msg, no reply though... Well... none yet, the screen skipped like I was getting a msg and my heart skipped a beat! omg! I feel like a little girl! EEK! I am gonna watch a DVD and then go to sleep... omg omg. People tomorrow. Adam dropped out and the drummer appears to be taken, fucken hell. Ahh well.. Tomorrow.. I will put Letitia against a wall and go in her face and tell her softly that I think I am in love with her... Yes, I think I can do it.. EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! Fucken hell! oh man, oh man, oh man.. shit dude! LOL! *giggles like a little school girl* Oh man, this is bad. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 comment|post comment

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